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Old 08 September 2011, 02:39   #1
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Free Boat Show Ticket

To the best boat related joke that can be used on the boat jokes page on our site

http://www.stormforce.biz/informatio...oat-jokes.html

Enter by replying to this thread please

Deadline is close of play Tuesday 13th September, my decision is final etc etc, blah, blah, blah
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Old 08 September 2011, 05:39   #2
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OK

A question for the old salts etc who know their way around the terminology/knots etc of a yacht.

What is a Spar-Lash?
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Itís the noise a diver makes when he enters the water

Nasher.
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Old 09 September 2011, 16:45   #3
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Looks like we go into the weekend with nasher in first place!!
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Old 10 September 2011, 06:04   #4
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A Blonde businesswoman is driving her BMW and is shocked to see another Blonde attempting to row a boat in the middle of a nearby grassy field.

Enraged, she pulls over and hollers at the straining oarswoman:

"You silly cow, you're giving blonde women everywhere a bad name - I ought to go out there right now and give you a slap...

...the only thing saving you is I can't swim"




Maybe not one for the website, eh?
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Old 10 September 2011, 06:36   #5
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After a cruise ship sinks, three blondes are washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears, and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The 1st blonde asks to be intelligent, instantly she is turned into a brunette, and swims off the island.
The 2nd blonde asks to be even more intelligent, instantly she is turned into a red head, and builds a boat and sails off the island.
The 3rd blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the other two, instantly she is turned into a man, and walks across the bridge.

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Old 10 September 2011, 06:51   #6
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Two guys out fishing in the ocean, one lands a fish. Suddenly the fish speaks "if you release me, you can have any wish you want"
The guy throws the fish back into the water, and wishes the whole sea would change into beer. Instantly this happens and the sea is beer!
His mate replies "you IDIOT, now we've got to pee in the boat!"

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Old 10 September 2011, 07:05   #7
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Best for last......

4 married guys go Ribbing together leaving to catch the tide at 5am, and the conversation starts...
1st guy, "you have no idea, to be able to come out today I had to promise the wife I would paint the bedroom next weekend"
2nd guy, "that's nothing, I had to promise to landscape the garden next weekend."
3rd guy, "you got it easy, I had to promise to fit a new kitchen!"
After a while they realise the 4th gut hadn't said anything, so they ask him" did you have to promise anything to come out ribbing?
4th guy, "nah, just set the alarm for 4:30, when it went off, I slapped the wife's arse and said ribbing or sex?" she replied "don't forget the sun cream"

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Old 10 September 2011, 09:30   #8
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Come on Nasher! Your going to have to try harder for a ticket
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Old 10 September 2011, 13:09   #9
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Two women on their way back from a great day out on the rib in their dry suits stop in a graveyard for a piss.

One wipes her fanny with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath of flowers. Their two husbands were in the pub the next day.

One says, "I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on." The other man says, "That's all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the fire station!!"
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Old 10 September 2011, 14:05   #10
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A tough looking group of ribnet userson a blast when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, jumps off his boat and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?".

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the ribnetter says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?".

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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Old 12 September 2011, 13:25   #11
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Oooooops
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Old 12 September 2011, 13:28   #12
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Or a more topical one...

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
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Old 12 September 2011, 13:49   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris View Post
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Did you not read the 5th post ?........
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Old 12 September 2011, 14:05   #14
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Ooops, good old Google... :-)
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Old 12 September 2011, 17:36   #15
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So far Im liking Crusher's "three blond" joke best. Sadly Chris's "Adam & the garden of eden" joke is disqualified for being about the wrong sort of "RIB" and therefore not boat related.

Final judging is tomorrow!!
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Old 12 September 2011, 18:24   #16
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Here's a couple

Come in number 9 - your time's up.

We've only got eight boats!

Oh, dear, number 6 must be in trouble then.


........................xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx........... .......

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here.

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It's either screw or swim!"

She pulled down her pants and..... She had a cock, Dave! She had this great BIG cock! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"


.......................xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...... ................

Don't know what all the fuss is about, I'd have got it in the overhead locker eventually!
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Old 13 September 2011, 17:45   #17
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after working away for 6 weeks on Support Boats, he decided that he should spend more time with his loving wife.

first night back the phone went he answered and he said sorry wrong number...it kept ringing every 15 mins and was the wrong number each time.

The wife eventually asked ' who keeps calling' he replied ' Its a wrong number somebody looking for the coastguard, they keep on asking is the coast clear yet!'

S.
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Old 14 September 2011, 01:04   #18
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So the winner is the three blonds and the sunk cruise ship. As I also liked the "Come in number 9" I will give out two prizes.

Crusher and Hightower pm or email me your postal address's and I will get a ticket sent to each of you.
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Old 17 September 2011, 17:08   #19
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Thanks for the free tickets Doug,

Excellent day out at the show today, lots to see and do for everyone! Even the kids enjoyed it!

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