Police Complaint - just brilliant!

[nugent]

Police Complaint - just brilliant!

This is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them,... and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant ???

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ?????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ?????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.

Regards
?????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[willfinch36]

Would be funny if it wasn't true.......!

[HUMBER P4VWL]

I recently had a client who after never being promoted past a Bobby, retired at 49! With a £120k tax free lump sum and £24k NET pension per annum. Ridiculous. He now just plays golf with his other retired colleagues.

Some forces have a higher pension bill than the active employee pay role.

This country is screwed. We will work to 70 plus to pay taxes for the 6 out 10 that work (arguably) for the public sector. As soon as I'm confident enough I'm ribbing all the way to OZ

[nugent]

Originally Posted by HUMBER P4VWL

I recently had a client who after never being promoted past a Bobby, retired at 49! With a £120k tax free lump sum and £24k NET pension per annum. Ridiculous. He now just plays golf with his other retired colleagues.

Some forces have a higher pension bill than the active employee pay role.

This country is screwed. We will work to 70 plus to pay taxes for the 6 out 10 that work (arguably) for the public sector. As soon as I'm confident enough I'm ribbing all the way to OZ

talking of oz is awf soon

Time until Tuesday, 14 December 2010 (UTC time)
62 days
1497 hours
89850 minutes
5391048 seconds

not counting tho

[HUMBER P4VWL]

Take it you are one of the 6 in 10

If not, well done, you will at least have earned your golden years!

[BruceB]

As one of the public sector workers that is supposedly living the life of riley I hasten to rebut some of this.
This same argument has just been done to death on another forum. Very few "normal" public sector workers will get anything like the pension or lump sum you mention, I think the average calculated by the government in my sector is 7k per annum.
It is hard to make sweeping generalisations about any part of the public sector but in general it is the middle management and skilled sector that is shortchanged. Unskilled workers and the big bosses tend to be paid above the normal rate. Again this is a generalisation but is pretty generally true across the public sector.
Just as there are scroungers on the dole there are well paid morons in the public sector but not everyone is either. The private sector isn't immune either from both types although currrent media hype seems to forget this, conveniently.

Incidentally that complaint is a really old email "funny" that I have seen many times over the years with names and locations changed, tisn't real.

[HUMBER P4VWL]

Bruce, I agree the average is about £7k, however the average private pension fund is less than £30k at retirement. That would provide a pension of less than £1.5k per year. Any way you look at it, the balance is completely unfair.

And independent reviews show the majority of public sector gets paid more now than private. Plus they get more holidays and sick pay and maternity pay etc

The balance now is far worse than 30 yrs ago when private benefits were better and jobs were for life. I don't blame the employees o name the governments and weak people in power looking after themselves rather than the country. Grrr

[BruceB]

I run a full department within the NHS and have a budget in excess of 1.5 million pounds a year. I would get paid around 12k more basic walking across the street and working as an electrician in the firm I employ on occasion within my site. My electrician could earn even more by doing the same.
I also still earn less than I did 12 years ago when i worked on the tools in private or public industry (I have worked in both on an off). Most of my degree required compatriots in the same speciality as I am also are in the same boat.
When I worked for a private research lab my pension cost me less for the same benefits, I know this because it was directly transferrable into the NHS one although my contributions then rose.
Now tell me everyone in the public sector is coining it, it just ain't true as a generalisation.
Where the real stupid money is for top earners (of which there are fairly few) or unskilled workers (of which there are thousands) who earn far more than any equivalent unskilled worker would in private industry.

[zookeeper]

the person who wrote that email is a comedy genius and should be in government office... brilliant

[HUMBER P4VWL]

Again Bruce, I agree, in certain cases especially for example the medical sector, private can really pay! Though even GSK have recently stopped the final salary pensions.

I in no way argue the public sector are coining it, however the general masses in the public sector have pension benefits and sick benefits way above the private sector. To fund a teachers pension, a private teacher would need to put 40-50% of pay in to a private pension, they don't get paid that much more. Does the private spark get 40% more pay to fund a pension and sick benefits and life cover that would be worth about £200-£300 per month on the open market? Only you know the answer to that.

We all have views and it's great we live in a country that let's us voice them (just). I wish all those with FS Pensions all the best as the next generation is screwed. A time bomb made by the population demographic. More people in retirement than working in the future. It can't and won't work. Something will give!

[Pikey Dave]

It's always struck me as perverse that the NHS spends billions keeping people alive well past their natural sell by date, only to put them on a pension that we can't afford, so they can spend another few years staring out of the care home window. Cynical, me?

[Mollers]

Originally Posted by pikey dave

.... The nhs spends billions keeping people alive well past their natural sell by date

eh?!!!!

[Pikey Dave]

Originally Posted by Mollers

eh?!!!!

?

[Poly]

Originally Posted by Mollers

eh?!!!!

basically Mollers - at your age your about to start costing us all money, the best economic decision would have been for the NHS to give you a little bit too much anaesthetic at the weekend saving everyone money and the nursing staff a lot of hassle

[Pikey Dave]

They're not called coffin dodgers for nowt

[BruceB]

Originally Posted by HUMBER P4VWL

Does the private spark get 40% more pay to fund a pension and sick benefits and life cover that would be worth about £200-£300 per month on the open market?

Funnily enough I don't pay too much less than £200 per month into my pension so if the figure above is accurate then I am paying far too much for a freeloader with a gold plated pension!
Incidentally the only person doing a simliar job in the immediate area to me in a private company gets paid 21% more than me, pays 1.5% less of his salary into a FS pension and gets exactly the same pension benefits as me.
I used to work for them and traded slightly worse benefits over a slightly better chance of longer term work. After 5 years here busier than I would have been if I had stayed were I was and now earning less money I am obviously not happy that even this is now under threat!
Do you know what a good spark gets paid around here? starting salary before OT is approx £34k! some of them earn over £40k with overtime........

[Bigmuz7]

Originally Posted by Polwart

basically Mollers - at your age your about to start costing us all money, the best economic decision would have been for the NHS to give you a little bit too much anaesthetic at the weekend saving everyone money and the nursing staff a lot of hassle

.. about to ?.... he is now ... Lets hope Nurse Gladys takes a look under the covers to help confirm his Ribnet gender whilst he's in there

[HUMBER P4VWL]

Sorry no, you slightly misunderstand, if one earned £40k, a life cover policy and income protection policy for an average 40 yr old male providing about £150k lunp sum on death or £1500 per month if unable to work would be roughly £200 pm. You then need to pay another roughly £1000 plus per month in to a pension!!!

This is why FS schemes are so valuable!

Originally Posted by BruceB

Funnily enough I don't pay too much less than £200 per month into my pension so if the figure above is accurate then I am paying far too much for a freeloader with a gold plated pension!
Incidentally the only person doing a simliar job in the immediate area to me in a private company gets paid 21% more than me, pays 1.5% less of his salary into a FS pension and gets exactly the same pension benefits as me.
I used to work for them and traded slightly worse benefits over a slightly better chance of longer term work. After 5 years here busier than I would have been if I had stayed were I was and now earning less money I am obviously not happy that even this is now under threat!
Do you know what a good spark gets paid around here? starting salary before OT is approx £34k! some of them earn over £40k with overtime........

[Pikey Dave]

Originally Posted by HUMBER P4VWL

Sorry no, you slightly misunderstand, if one earned £40k, a life cover policy and income protection policy for an average 40 yr old male providing about £150k lunp sum on death or £1500 per month if unable to work would be roughly £200 pm. You then need to pay another roughly £1000 plus per month in to a pension!!!

This is why FS schemes are so valuable!

PAY ANOTHER £1200 quid a month to the bloodsucking lombardy leeches known as insurance companies, not b****y likely. You'd be better off putting it in a sock under the bed Private pension plans... I speeet on them pthu! Ididn't get where I am today by ...............

[BruceB]

Originally Posted by HUMBER P4VWL

Sorry no, you slightly misunderstand, if one earned £40k, a life cover policy and income protection policy for an average 40 yr old male providing about £150k lunp sum on death or £1500 per month if unable to work would be roughly £200 pm. You then need to pay another roughly £1000 plus per month in to a pension!!!

This is why FS schemes are so valuable!

I don't have those benefits at the moment or earn anything like 40k. The inservice death benefit is minimal and the pension nothing like even near 1.5k per month even after paying it for 40 years +.
It would be nice though!